"How do you tolerate your husbands ex-wife?"

**My hubby had 3 boys from his first marriage. I love those kids! They are great kids. I knew early on that his X didn't particularly like me. But my goal was to stay in those boys lives---they saw one way of living from her and her kind of abrasive husband (the one she left my guy for--thank you God;-)  And another way of living and loving from us. I wanted them to see that. Being a child of divorce myself, I knew some things...

**The kids just wanted their mommy and daddy to get back together. I knew it wasn't going to happen, but it helped that I knew they wanted it underneath it all.
**X-wife and I were never going to be best-friends, but I'd be in her life for a long long time. So I do all I can to make it pleasant.
**I never talked bad about X-wife, even tho she trashed my hubby and probably said unkind things about me.
    **My hubby can handle what's said about him--it's not mine to do anything about.
    **I don't care what she says about me--because I don't have much respect for her.
**I knew eventually that the 'boys' would figure out who was who. And I was right each of them found their way back to their father. Now as adults they have a good relationship.
**I knew that my position could be very powerful for these boys. They already had a hard time talking to their mom and step-dad, and they didn't want to disappoint their dad [my husband]. I however, could be a great support to them--and a great listener. At least I would have 'in=put' into their lives.
**His X-wife sued us for more money every time we turned around. Hey, I knew I was marrying a man with kids. I wanted him to support them. I knew this meant I'd work. I respect him for taking care of them. And I knew it wouldn't last forever. I tried not to wish the 'boys' lives away--but a part of me couldn't wait until they were 18! We didn't buy a house or a new car until after child-support.
**If you tell yourself that her ways are 'intolerable' you'll jack yourself up and it will only get harder. Try and decompress yourself. You have the guy you  love--just love him and his son...that's your prize!
**If she's trying to 'get to you' by not meeting you or mentioning your name--don't let it. Choose not to get upset. Feel sorry for her. Goodness the energy she spends on this! And as you go on being yourself, and loving son and hubby--the son will figure out what's happening.
**You cannot control her and what she does with her child or what she says. It was hard for me to realize that out of all the 'players' (Biological mom & dad, Step-dad) I had really no input on their daily living policies. Mom had the most. StepDad 2nd, my hubby 3rd, and me not at all. But it is what it is. I'm not going to tilt at windmills. I just love those kids all I can and they feel it. I've had each one of them come to me at a quiet time and ask me 'why their mom doesn't like me.' They feel it. I tell them, I don't know. But that's okay because whatever she thinks about me is on her--as for me I'm forever grateful that she gave birth to these fine, loving, wonderful three boys.
**And another windmill not to tilt at is--the fact that if you stay married to hubby she'll be in  your life forever. The kid will grow up, get married, have grands---and the more you can do to stay cool and get along--the better and smoother it will make all your lives.
Blessings

Many good books on subject;-) But mostly it's up to you;-)

The child will know who's right and who's wrong. The worst thing you can do is try and 'fight back'. Just stay cool.

I had the same issue with my wife's ex-husband.

Dont give in to your (justified) feelings of dislike for her. Stay nice and calm, always smile and never say anything rude about her in front of the child. (even though she deserves it)

Its all you can do........its hard, I know. Be the better person.

 

I have to say when I read the title of this question, i was reluctant to click on it, thinking that this was another question about how to get the husband to stop talking to the Ex-wife.  Im glad I checked though, because when you add a kid into the equation, it really helps to put the whole situation into perspective.

 

I would say that you have to be the better person in this situation.  You've got to be nice to her in ways that she would never be nice to you.  She has already stemmed resentment towards you and she expects that behavior back from you.  If you give her what she wants in the way of hostile behavior, it will give her the perfect excused to feel that her child is not safe in a home with you, even though she knows she is manipulating the outcome that way.  It is human nature to react to hostility with hostility. 

 

What you could do is go out of your way, and do something like send her flowers on her birthday or something.  Chances are that at first she is going to get angry, not because she got flowers, but because she knows you're not on her level where she wants you to be.  This really could go either way, but at least you can say that you tried to make peace with her. 

 

I cannot guarantee you a successful outcome, but I think you will feel better about the situation, and if it doesnt turn out ok, then you will not be the one coming out of the situation looking like a fool.