"Is privacy a right or a privlege for teenagers?"

Its a right as they get older, but then again they have learned about how to be safer and such.  There is also different times for privacy.  If my boys have closed doors, I knock, as do they for thier brothers and me.  I have walked in and "interupted" one of my boys being a horny boy, so that is when we finally agreed on the closed door rule, but it should not be closed for 2 long, and never with a girl in the room, or such.  Online and computer privacy is a earned privledge at my home for my boys, as it using the computer alone and even having one in their room and such. 

You have to educate them so they can make the right choices, and give them the chances to make those choices and also be there to help and comfort them when they make bad choices and get scared or in trouble and such.  Over time they learn what is acceptable and follow the rules and thus get more freedom, as sooner or later they will be doing it all themselves.  At least I hope so.

My boys have also learned that tough choices often need some help.  And often they use me, or even a sibling as a sounding board to try to work it out.  My 15 yr old use me or his best friend a lot for it, often I just smile and nod and he works it all out without me saying anything other than the emotional support while he figures it out.  His friend even asks me for help since its just him and his mom, and sometimes men and women see things different, and on one case, I told him he really needed to discuss it with his mom and we could all sit and work it out if he needs the help.  I know her and she know me and such, and knows how close our boys are.

My rule is you are treated how you act, so thus if you act like a 2-3 yr old (like having a temper tantrum from an older/school aged child) you are treated like it, (feed, bathed, diapered, naptime, dressed, etc) and the same goes when a child acts more responsible they get some of the added benefits of that behavior.  This is a rule the boys know and have learned, and felt both sides of at least a few times, but its also gives them the chance to be a little boy when they need it, and try to be an adult and feel the extra pressure that goes with it. 

Somehow, we survived bring up six kids that suddenly became the dreaded TEENAGERS...LOL...

 

Bedroom doors could be 'closed' but never locked...All their lives I had always been in and out of their rooms...stripping beds, delivering clean laundry...giving the rooms a good cleaning....

 

The kids that did well in school and seemed to have healthy, normal interests received more privacy because they had earned that respect....they were always allowed to have 'same gender' friends in their rooms, but never the opposite sex.

 

We were sooooooo lucky that our kids were teens before the 'internet'.

 

I'd let them know when I was going to be doing a 'spring cleaning' in case they wanted to put anything 'personal' (like a diary) away. 

 

They sure as heck weren't perfect kids.  They got into their fair share of accidents, incidents and experiments...there were times when I'd take a much closer look around their rooms for any signs of smoking, drinking or drugs...

 

Each one was such an individual...the amount of privacy they received was determined on their overall behavior at the moment <:O)

 

We were always of the mindset that it was 'our house'...'our rules'...we were the parents.  It was our job to oversee their activities and determine just what was acceptable in our family home.

We have a list of rules in our house.  They are simple.

1. Respect your family.  Mother, Father, Sister, Brother. 
   
2. Don't Lie.
   
3. Do your assigned chores.
   
4. No violence.  We will not stand for the two of them fighting.  There are 9 years between them, but what is funny, the little one will go after the older one, in a heartbeat. 
   
5. Sunday is absolutely family time, start to finish, we spend the day together. 

Those are our house rules.  Now, as we have gone along, we've clarified a few things.  We own the house, not our children.  We are in charge, not our children.  Their room is OUR room...therefore, WE set the rules, not them.  Now, we don't run a police state.  We do, however, expect the rules to be obeyed.

Phone calls are not made in the room, behind closed doors...our daughter is not exactly thrilled with that standard, but we don't sit right on top of her, either.  Our belief, if a teen needs to go behind closed doors to make a phone call, it doesn't need to be made. 

Friends over, great, have fun, but again, no closed doors.  Again, we don't go and sit in the hallway and listen.  We do allow boys over, but never, ever in the room.  Never.   Family room, which is open to all major rooms in our house.   Oh and the boys that are allowed over, it's a group gathering...she's too young to date. 

As far as notes, text messages or things like that...our daughter (not so much our son, he's only 5) knows that they are subject to inspection.  Also, any online activity is monitored.  Sites are restricted and again, we will inspect things. 

It's our responsibility, as parents, to be aware of what is going on in our children's worlds.  Burying your head in the sand, to me, is dangerous.  You lose touch and that's when children start to experiment.  They can start experimenting with you standing there, right in front of them. 

We talk to our daughter.  She talks to us.  She has asked us questions that I know my mother would have never answered, but we will. We'd rather her get the truthful answer and it be straight to the point. 


I was raised in a house where my parents didn't pay close enough attention.  We ate in our rooms, had tvs, stereos, vcrs, phones, whatever we wanted.  We both had cars, and had too much freedom.  We never ate at the table, together and family activities stopped by the time I turned 10.   I love my parents, but they had different things on their minds and have said over and over that they wished they had paid more attention and given us less freedom.  Spent more time together.  I don't want to look back and regret not spending more time with my children.   Another thing, I am their mother, their advocate, not their friend.  My husband is their father, their advocate, not their friend.  We'll be their friends, later.  That's how much we love our children.  Right now, we want to guide them into maturity and a responsible adulthood. 

You know when something is right and when something is wrong. You should follow your instincts and go with it...that's our belief Rules and boundaries are good.

I agree, privacy, like trust, is earned, not given.  And there is no better time than their teenage years to learn this.

The only thing I would add to what you wrote is that trust and privacy go both ways -- if are teaching  your kids by example, then you cannot change the goal lines in midstream; you cannot change the rules of the game after it has begun.  When/if you do that, you end up contradicting exactly what you were trying to teach them.

It's really very simple - the golden rule from biblical days --- Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.   Raise your kids by respecting their privacy, and you will create kids who can handle the responsibility.