"My husbands 5 yr old daughter is NOT potty trained..."

The first thing I’d do is understand that the first letter of every word in a sentence is not capitalized in normal speech.

After that, you need to realize that since she only visits you occassionally, there is not much you can do - even if you can get her potty trained at your place, she has 5 days to lose that training elsewhere.  Ultimately, it’s going to require a great deal of patience on your part, as well as some redirection and coaxing to get her potty trained.  Lead by example - take her to the toilet with you and show her what to do - get one of those kid toilets and put it in the bathroom.  Don’t get angry when she messes up (no pun intended).  Don’t shame her.

I would think that a lack of potty training at that age would be the sign of emotional issues, or some emotional/mental retardation occurring.  It’s also possible that there is some abuse going on - this is one of the symptoms, as it’s the only thing the child has control over..  Maybe she’s acting out because she doesn’t like you being with her Daddy and wants Mommy to be there.  Perhaps having her seen by a child psychologist would be a great idea.  Heck, she may have a physical problem - has she been taken to a physician and the doctor told about your concerns?

Most school systems require children to be house-broken before they will allow them to come to school, so this is a subject that needs to be addressed for the child’s sake - kids are going to be cruel to her.  I would probably get your husband to start addressing it through the proper channels - the court that granted the divorce.

1.  Is she both eneuretic and encopretic?  (both pee and poo )

2.  Is she brain damaged or retarded (two different things)?

3.  Have you talked to the biological mother about it?

4.  How long ago was the divorce between the natural parents?

5.  Has a doctor been consulted?

The vast majority of children WANT to grow up.  So you have here a child who may have a biological problem involving something below the head, some kind of brain damage or retardation, or she is trying to cope with some kind of psychological trauma. 

Before anyone can give you any real advice, those five questions above must be answered and you need professional input on the situation.

Who is parenting? Mom and Dad or the child?

Someone needs to step up to the plate (or pot) and take control of the situation, and it would not be appropriate for you to do so.  Judging just from this one big problem, it would seem that your step-daughter is being spoiled.  All adults involved in her life will pay for that in the future, so something needs to change very soon.  Either Dad or Mom (preferably both) need to put their foot down, ignore the temper tantrums, and make her gradually take the big step that she should have taken long ago.

I am always amazed when parents say, "I know she should be doing this, but she says she doesn't want to."  Tough!  She'll get over it.  I would bet a lot of money that nobody has ever been emotionally scarred over toilet training.  I would also bet that is where the problem lies - the parents don't want to hurt the little munchkin's feelings.  Too bad.  Mom and Dad need to get tough now or suffer much more later.  As for the child's emotional scars, just imagine how bad those scars from other kids will be when they learn that she doesn't use the toilet.

What will be next?  "I know she should learn her spelling, but she says she doesn't want to."  "She should wear a top in public, but she doesn't like to wear tops."  Sounds extreme, but so does this problem - I mean, really - still in diapers at 5-years old?

Bottom line: stop letting the child be the parent.