"How do you deal with constant complainers?"

You acknowledge their feelings:

“It sounds like you’re not happy. Tell me about that”

When the point has been made, try tasking them with finding a way to improve the situation.

“I think I see why you’re not happy. What do you think can be done?”

If they sound defeated or they say nothing can be done, you can shift to the task of finding a way to cope:

“So it pretty much sounds like you’re stuck with it the way it is. Besides telling me, how are you going to come to terms with that?”

After a while, it will be second nature to guide the complainer along in this way, until he will begin to do it for himself when he is in your presence. Over time, he will hear become tired of hearing the refrain:

“So it sounds like you’re still not happy. What’s going on?”

There you go, you said it also, it’s hard to do because people who complain can often bring others down with them.  I truly believe that they are not aware they are doing this at times.  It has become a habit.

I would suggest that you tell them that you do care or love them but they have to start realizing that a lot of negativity is continually being stated.  Many times they don’t realize they are doing it.  By pointing it out, they may be able to start catching it and can form better habits.  If they know you are listening, they will know they you are trying to help them break the habit and move forward in life.

My Dad used to say, it’s over, it’s in the past, let it go and move forward in a positive direction.  I feel he was right, we can’t do anything about what happens at times.  We must move forward with a new and stronger outlook.  We owe to oursevles and the people who love us and it is our responsibility to care for ourselves first. 

I sometimes feel people who are like this had a parent who was like this also.  It’s how they saw their own parent cope with life.

I tell them the importance of talking about the situation but not continuing to give the situation that much power.

It’s OK and expected for someone to voice their concerns after a job loss, or a breakup of a relationship.  These things are painful and you have to get it off your chest.

The danger of harping on it over and over is the fact that you are re-enforcing the depression concerning the situation.  We give things more power and we tend to stay in the same situation longer than necessary.

It’s also depressing for everyone around the person at that time.  People who love you will care about your

situation for a certain amount of time and in most cases they will repeatedly offer suggestions and comfort.

It stands to reason that after a while people will begin to pull away or they won’t be as attentive as they were in the beginning.

There are a couple of reasons people do this even though they love the person and want the best for them.

1)  They realize you have to see it for yourself and their words of encouragement don’t seem to be making a big difference and they grow wreary.

2)  Unfortunately, people have their own burdens and responsibilities to carry each and every day of their lives.  They are able to offer support for a while but they can’t be there every step of the way.  They need the person to move towards a positive direction in life.

3)  It’s depressing to be around someone who is always depressed or negative.  Unfortunately negativity is contagious and it can start to make others feel badly.

I hope these things help.

Best Wishes!

Hi pursuetruth -

When you are at peace with yourself and have a fairly happy life there's no need to let others affect you. Your only commitment to others is to give your love and help where possible.

To begin with, it would depend on what their complaint is about.

If it’s family relationships that are difficult for them at the moment you could be a friendly neighbour, or standby, if they need someone to share their troubles with and maybe you can help them along to find a solution.

If it’s bad weather and rheumatism then they’d need to get medical advice.

If they’ve just lost a loved one then you can offer your kind understanding and try to comfort them.

If they complain about politics then they need to write to their local representative or write the government and let them know of your complaint(s), anything to get the message through. 

If they complain of loneliness that might be easier to deal with by just being more friendly or inviting them to join groups you might belong to; maybe take them out for dinner sometimes.

If they’re depressed seriously then show them how to find simple joy in the little things in life, like caring for some plants, and of course acquiring a pet is fine too. Have them focus on the world outside of themselves and not just feel desolate by always looking inwardly at their lack, whatever it may be.

My opinion is that general complainers are just asking for help in an indirect way, so see through the fog and if possible try to assist.

Just my thoughts.

Don't allow them to dwell on their problems in your presence.

"That must be tough, I know.  But you know something?  I am so happy about...."

or "I am so grateful about...."

People who are chronic complainers want all the attention on themselves -- their complaints are usually a way of manipulating a situation or a person, and they often cannot stand someone who is cheerful.

So take the attention off the complaint, and therefore off of them, and refocus on something positive.

Or, if you are too busy, tell them that.  "I'm really sorry, I don't have time for talking or listening right now, I'm really jammed up with......"

When ALL else fails, confront them:  "I really have a hard time handling your constant complaining.  Please, the next time you want to talk, find something fun or good to talk about so we can talk about something other than you, OK?"